I. INTRODUCTION

Most of us in the funeral profession have been there—the headache of funeral flowers. Not to be negative, but I used to get very frustrated with the responsibility of handling funeral flowers. The routine always seemed the same. I would have on a new suit and when transporting flowers, I always damaged my suit either with water, that green mushy stuff they position the flowers in, the flower pollen stains or from my own blood when my fingers got stuck by the sharp wire mesh to which they hook the flowers.

Then, of course, there was the flower pedal challenge: flower pedals in the garage, in the funeral coach, in the station wagon, in the visitation room, in the chapel, on the steps of the church, down the aisle of the church, all around the church, along the route to the grave and all around the grave. I spend a tremendous amount of my time as a funeral director picking up flower pedals and hiding them in my suit pockets. The dry cleaner always knew my suits because my pockets overflowed with dried up flower pedals!

There were flower pedals everywhere on funerals. It seemed to me as if the great big mums had a secret explosive device in them—planted by angry, vengeful florists—that would detonate simply by a funeral director looking at them. Wham, boom – 10,000 mum pedals on the floor and two minutes before the service was to begin to boot!

Of course, this attitude was one of immaturity and limited vision on my part, for I was unaware and ignorant of the importance of funeral flowers. I was ignorant of the history, development and benefit of flowers. This article was written to help correct my deficiencies concerning this subject. The hope is that this information will help other funeral professionals.

II. THE OLDEST ACTIVITY

The oldest tribute, the oldest form of memorialization, the oldest act of mourning is the arrangement and placement of flowers around the dead. This ancient activity was well documented by Dr. Ralph Solecki in his famous excavation in the Shandiar Cave in Northern Iraq.

In 1951 Dr. Solecki discovered several burial sites in the Shandiar Cave. Even­tually his discovery would gain entrance into the Guiness Book of World Records as the oldest form of religious activity in human burial. In any event, during Solecki’s archeological dig, he submitted soil samples from each grave to Mme. Arlette Leroi-Gourhan, a paleobotanist from Paris, France, for pollen analysis. Under her microscope, she found pollen and flower fragments from at least 8 species of flowers. These flowers represented mainly small, brightly-colored wildflowers. She recognized relatives of the grape hyacinth, bachelor’s-button, hollyhock and a yellow-flowering groundsel. Mme. Leroi-Gourhan declared that the burials took place 62,000 B.C. and that is was no accident of nature that the pollen was deposited so deep in the cave. Neither birds nor animals could have carried flowers in such a manner in the first place and, in the second place, they could not possibly have deposited them directly on a burial site. Therefore, she concluded that someone 62,000 years ago had roamed the mountainside in the mournful task of collecting flowers for a funeral tribute.

III. IN A FLOWER GARDEN

Throughout the ages, humankind has equated death with sleep and this repose, or sleep, was usually in a garden full of flowers. “May God receive all our souls among his holy flowers,” Turpin (“Song of Roland”) asks God over the bodies of his barons. Similarly the ancient figure of Roland prays that “He will let them lie in holy flowers.” This ancient verse contains both aspects of the condition that followed death, namely lying down or the sleep without sensation, and holy flowers or the garden in bloom. The garden of flowers equated into visions of paradise in olden times, the images of “cool meadows” of Virgil’s “Elysium, “watered by steams” or from the garden that the Koran promised to believers.

If paradise was full of flowers and meadows, in ancient thought Hell was the opposite. In Homer’s Hades there was neither garden nor flowers. Hades—at least the Hades of “Book XI” of the Odyssey—also makes quite clear the absence of floral or any pastoral comforts.

The Prayer Book of Serapion, the Greco-Egyptian liturgical text from the middle of the 4th century, contains this prayer for the dead, “May his spirit rest in a green and tranquil place.”

Thus the words designating paradise are all related to one central concept: the cool garden with an abundance of flowers. As we will see shortly, the funeral pro­fession of the early and mid-20th century identified closely with this floral imagery.

Nowhere in the influential thinking of Western Civilization was the ideal of linking paradise with the garden more prevalent than in the burial of Jesus Christ. Jesus was entombed in a garden, pure and simple. Our cemeteries today often resemble a garden concept like the one where Jesus was entombed. Today people value the floral concept of the pastoral scenes of death in contrast to the mass burials that were witnessed in Nazi Germany. The power of the idea of death being linked to flowers is still easily identifiable.

IV. SYMBOLISM AND FLOWERS

Through history, flowers have been used to symbolize almost every aspect of the life cycle, from birth through death. In death, flowers are used to symbolize how the beauty of creation is temporary and, as sure as the flower must be cut from the stem, so it is with life—we all, too, must have our life cut from the stem, so to speak.

Flowers also have a particular aesthetic value in the face of death, for the beauty of the flower helps balance our emotional response to the sharp contrast of the perceived ugliness of death. Flowers help soften the raw data imagery that death leaves with survivors.

The fragility of life is also symbolized by a flower. Flowers, to be healthy, require the proper condition to grow and expand – just like human beings.

And finally, the color of flowers has a specific symbolism, particularly in religious thought.

1. A purple flower is a symbol of penitence and royalty. This floral color is used during the preparatory and penitential seasons of Advent and Lent.
2. A white flower is the symbol of joyous and celebrative color of light. This floral color is used during the festive seasons of Christmas and Easter, and on high days during ordinary times.
3. A green flower is the symbol of nature in the freshness of growth – hence our green cemeteries. This floral color is used, except on high days, during ordinary times, the seasons after Epiphany Pentecost.
4. A red flower is the symbol of fire and blood, and is used on the Day of Pente­cost and on other special occasions when the work of the Holy Spirit or the blood of Christ or of martyrs is being commemorated.
5. A black flower is the symbol used for Good Friday, though red flowers are also sometimes used.

Flowers, as we have just discussed, help the person think in symbolic terms, which is the way that much of the information concerning death is communicated.

V. PRACTICAL USE OF FLOWERS

From time immemorial, flowers were used to control the offensiveness and ob­noxiousness of body decomposition. No doubt this was part of the reason that flowers were used in the Shandiar Cave burials so many centuries ago.

One of the most famous funerals where flowers were used to mask the odor of decomposition occurred in 1874 when President Andrew Johnson was buried. His body was not embalmed, and by the day of the funeral, his body was in such a foul condition that undertaker Lazarus C. Shepard closed the casket and heaped loads of fragrant flowers on top and around the burial receptacle. The fragrance of the flowers hid the odor long enough for the funeral to take place.

VI. “IN THE GARDEN” MOVEMENT

In 1914 C. Austin Miles wrote the famous funeral hymn “In the Garden.”

“I come to the garden alone,

While the dew is still on the roses.”

Refrain:

“And He walks with me and he talks with me

And He tells me I am His own…”

The hymn stormed the country and became one of the most frequently sung hymns at funerals in the United States. The hymn also began a movement in funeral service whereby the mortuary practices of the country would revolve around the body reposing in the garden.

In face, the movement in Protestant funeral practices in the United States to use the “In the Garden” theme was so strong that funeral homes began to develop facilities that used an indoor garden as the backdrop where the body would repose.

The chapels were actually solariums with waterfalls, plants and flowers, and even live birds flying around inside. And, seen in these funeral home ads of the 40’s and 50’s, the establishments actually utilized the “In the Garden” name.

VII. FLOWER LADIES

The importance of flowers in funeral services was probably best exemplified by the creation of Midwestern funeral practices of the role of the flower lady. The flower lady was analogous to the pall bearer role, but instead of carrying the casket, this group of women (usually six) would carry the flowers from the place of the funeral to the flower vehicle, and then would assist in setting them up at the cemetery.

Flower ladies were chosen with as great care as the pall bearers were, for they were usually close friends of the family and it was viewed as a distinct honor to be chosen.

The flower lady role eventually subsided as the funeral ritual became less com­munity oriented and people’s lifestyles became more hectic.

VIII. THE CONTEMPORARY VALUE AND BENEFIT OF FLOWERS

In order for funeral professionals to be able to better educate families about the benefit of funeral flowers, the following seven suggestions are made:

1. Belief – Your own belief in the value and benefit of funeral flowers will be your greatest asset in presenting this information to families.
2. Sentiment – There is a common denominator in sending flowers, in giving to a charity and in supporting one’s church. It is sentiment.
   Sentiment is actually a complex organization of ideas, feelings and instincts that are built up in the course of an individual’s experience. Sentiment serves a very vital human need.It should be realized, too, that mankind’s need for sentiment is the basis for the development of many of our funeral traditions. There is a great deal of insight in the remark made by the famous English statesman Gladstone. He said, “Show me the manner in which a nation or a community cares for its dead and I will measure with mathematical exactness the tender sympathies of its people, their respect for the land, and their loyalty to high ideals.”
3. Significance of Flowers – Flowers are sent to funerals for several reasons. Flowers are a means of expression. It is often difficult for those mourning a death to put feelings into words. Flowers are a visual expression of love, sym­pathy and respect. They are a means of lending support and sharing the bur­den of grief.In addition to sending flowers to the funeral service, there is a growing trend to send flowers to the home of the bereaved after the service. In addition, some people send flowers to the church in memory of the deceased.Flowers create a background of warmth and beauty that adds to the dignity and consolation of the funeral service. Those who have attended services without flowers have expressed the feeling that something was missing … that the funeral was depressing.
4. Freedom of Expression – Families deserve the right of complete freedom of expression at time of death. People are not cut from the same spiritual mold. Therefore, they should be free to express themselves in the manner that best conveys their emotions. Any expression that is the result of dictate ceases to be an act of the heart.
5. The Tradition – Americans traditionally have expressed their respect for the dead, and sympathy for the bereaved, by sending flowers. This long-standing custom helps people express their innermost feelings. Funeral flowers are for the living and the dead. They are tokens of respect for the deceased.
6. Atmosphere – Flowers create a background of warmth and beauty adding to the dignity and consolation of the funeral service. Following the service, the bereaved are left with an indelible impression of the funeral. Flowers are a very important item in this lasting impression for they directly affect the warmth and comfort generated by the “memory picture.”The more comforting the memory picture, the more easily it is recalled by the bereaved, and the more vivid is the reinforcement of reality and actualization of loss. Flowers do not wither and die in the mind of the bereaved. They are recalled time and again as indelible memories.
7. Spiritual Significance – Flowers are symbolic not only of love and sympathy, but also of eternity and immortality. Flowers help minister to the bereaved by giving testimony of the love and understanding of human beings. The life of flowers is fleeting. They attest to the transitory life of man. There is profound religious symbolism in the very fact that flowers do not last forever.
8. “Please Omit” – “Please omit flowers” and “in lieu of flowers” notices occur from time to time in various publications. These requests generally originate with the family, who has been influenced by well-meaning friends or organi­zations.

There are many implications in such a request. The obituary is actually an announcement of the death and an invitation to attend the funeral. It is not considered good taste to openly anticipate a gift and accompany an invitation with a dictatorial statement that only certain kinds of remembrances are acceptable.

A “PO” or “in lieu of” request causes embarrassment to friends. Some ignore the request and send flowers, causing embarrassment to those who heeded the request.

Many people resent being told how to express their sympathy. They like to decide for themselves whether to send flowers, make a donation, send a card or extend a helping hand. There is a place for both flowers and charity in our modern day world and it is important that we place each in its proper perspective.

IX. CONCLUSION

The funeral meets the bereaved’s need for support. Death throws people into de­spair and depression by separating them from one who has provided love, com­panionship and security. The funeral and our funeral customs provide the means by which those close to him can give their support and share his suffering.

The funeral period provides for the expression of sorrow. Only through talking out the past can the bereaved person realize the extent of the relationship with the deceased, and accept the loss and suffering. Only through weeping and talking to good listeners can they release their grief and their feelings of guilt and hostility. Experts in grief therapy believe that grief can be expressed best through rites, rituals and ceremonies. The ceremony deals primarily with intellectual concepts and does not fully engage the bereaved’s feelings in the patters of community support that are psychologically beneficial. Flowers, though, express the inex­pressible—they are symbolic.

People have traditionally expressed their respect for the dead and sympathy for the bereaved by sending flowers. This custom is one of longstanding and it has served people as a means through which they can express their feelings.

There are three points to be stressed in connection with the tradition of funeral flowers:

1. The role of flowers is both symbolic and aesthetic. They add great value to the richness and meaning of the ritual.
2. Flowers represent sympathy extended to the bereaved.
3. Flowers are sent both to the living and to the dead. Flowers are sent to the living as comfort and they are sent as tokens of respect for the deceased.

I remember when I was in Mortuary College in Boston we took a field trip and visited a vault manufacturing plant in a town a little north of Boston. I was quite excited about the adventure mostly because I had never seen a vault made before, and I was terribly interested in literally anything to do with funeral service. I am still terribly interested in anything to do with funeral service but honestly my fascination with vault manufacturing left me some years past.

When the bus arrived at the vault plant an extremely distinguished looking gentleman greeted us. I was immediately struck by his grand style of appearance, impeccable dress, gray hair, black horn rimmed glasses, tall, stately, dignified – everything that the prototype funeral director possessed (back then) and all the attributes which I dearly wanted to acquire in my own person. However I was just tall, that was it, and other than being tall I in no way resembled this extremely dignified and professional looking man.

He graciously gave us the grand tour of the vault plant. He spoke in flowing eloquent inspirational terms about his great love of the funeral service profession. He told story after story about his great career, about this family and that family he had served and how much of an honor and privilege it was to serve the bereaved. He spoke in glowing terms about the importance of ethical care of the dead, the value of embalming, the benefits of the funeral rituals to the bereaved and how he himself had been so blessed and fortunate to be a member of the funeral service profession. All I could think was “Hot damn, I want to be just like him when I grow up!”

I remember getting on the bus for the trip back to Boston and I felt like I was floating on a cloud. I needed a lift in spirit! Even as a baby undertaker in those early years I had contended with the naysayers concerning funeral service. I mean after reading Mitford’s “American Way of Death” (which literally brought me to tears), after reading all the negative press about the alleged graft and corruption in funeral service, after confronting all the “negatives” about this profession which I loved so much, at last, at long last here was a man who had conviction, focus, belief and most important here was a man who had a mission in life and that was his career in funeral service. He loved funeral service and by God he stood up and expressed his beliefs and convictions seemingly, I thought, to anybody who would listen. I was tremendously impressed and awed to say the very least – he was a great role model, or so I thought at the time.

It was not three months later after the great inspirational tour that we received the news at the College that this funeral director had died suddenly without warning. He collapsed in his office and was dead when he hit the floor. I was stunned and thought to myself what a grievous loss his death was to the entire funeral service profession. All the students who had been on the field trip were visibly affected, shocked and grieving. We as a class decided that when the arrangements for this funeral director’s visitation, funeral and disposition services were announced we would make arrangements to attend as a class representing the Mortuary College. We asked the secretary of the College to let us know as soon as she received any news concerning the arrangements.

The final class for the day was just finishing when the secretary came into the classroom and asked Dr. Jackson if she could make an announcement concerning the arrangements for this deceased funeral director. Here is what she said: “There will be no calling hours, there will be no funeral services at all, and the remains will be immediately cremated and the cremains would be disposed of privately at a later unknown date.”

We were stunned! Our group shock turned to anger and several students expressed their anger by making some fairly strong comments concerning the glaring hypocrisy of this funeral director. Had he not made mention in glowing and flowing words about the wonderful opportunities which waited for us in professionally helping families “through the valley of the shadow of death”? Had he not gone on and on with inspirational words concerning how important the funeral experience was to the entire community – and did he not emphasize that the funeral was NOT JUST VALUABLE FOR THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY BUT FOR EVERYBODY? As baby funeral director’s we were stunned, angered, disappointed, and frankly hurt by the phoniness and contradictions concerning what this funeral director said as compared now to what he did. It then got worse because the story floated around the College that the “no funeral” decision had been preplanned by the deceased funeral director himself! I remember, at the time, feeling guilty in speaking of the dead in such harsh terms but honestly even back then I knew that something was not right here – this was not fair – something was missing – something was terribly wrong. It was not a good experience, it left an empty feeling in my gut and a sour taste in my mouth, and I have never forgotten it.

Fast forward 40 plus years – Dateline 2015.

Recently I was traveling out of the country doing a series of seminars for Hospice, Victims Assistance Program, and some funeral home management staff training. On the last evening of my visit I had a wonderful dinner with the funeral director who had been my gracious host and a gentleman who has been a good cherished friend of mine for many years in funeral service. When three or four funeral directors get together at a dinner and cocktails what is the conversation going to be about? Funerals of course! I have at times looked at the poor people who are not involved in funeral service and who attend one of these funeral director dinners and just set there in basic silence for hour upon hour while we, funeral insiders piddle the night away with funeral and/or ambulance stories one after another. I have sometimes thought that the polite thing to do would be to change the conversation in order to kindly include the funeral outsiders – but then I think to myself “Nay” and I dive right back into the deep end of the pool telling one funeral/ambulance story after another. It is great fun and I never ever get bored!

At this dinner however one of the funeral directors relayed an incidence where a funeral director in the area had recently died and there was no funeral, no calling hours, and the remains were immediately disposed of. We then all proceeded to remember another, and another, and yet another funeral director who upon their own deaths had no funeral, no calling hours, and the remains were immediately disposed of. My memory flew back to Boston way these many years ago, and I shared that experience, and then we all started remembering the death of this colleague or that one which also fell into the category of “nothing” concerning the use of the rites and ritual of the funeral. Finally one of the directors at the dinner poised these simple questions, “How could that happen?” “How can a funeral director when they die have no funeral?” Finally the biggest question of all was put on the table, “Where is the conviction?”

At this dinner the suggestion was made that I tackle this sensitive subject and write an article. I accepted the suggestion and so here goes. However before I get into the DNA of the thoughts I would like to share I want to say straight away that I firmly believe in freedom of choice; however I also firmly believe that when it comes to the issue of a deceased funeral director having no funeral the ideal of freedom of choice must come under scrutiny by other funeral professionals, so let’s scrutinize; it’s only fair.

In a time in funeral service where honored rites, rituals and ceremonies seem fragile and teetering here and there this is not the time for funeral directors to “move in” with the impersonal, sterile, tide of events and adopt and accept rejection of death rituals, or concur with funeral critics, or worse abandon the time honored beliefs, convictions, and professional heritage that set the basic foundations for the funeral service profession and our cherished careers in the first place.

As I have aged, as life has kicked and picked at me, as I left innocence behind and faced the rigors of adulthood I have learned a hard and difficult lesson. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. I have also learned that in funeral service if the funeral director does not stand up and act on behalf of the values and benefits of the funeral – WHO WILL?

In a time when cynicism, criticism, individualism, and a bunch of other “isms” seem to have taken on a life of their own the need for belief in something bigger than ourselves, unselfish service to others, and a firm personal and professional conviction about life, and one’s mission of action in life and vocation is more magnified today than ever before.

So how can it be that a funeral professional who talks about the values and benefits of the funeral experience throughout a lifelong career rejects those same values and benefits when it is their own death that is the focus?

Several years ago I was engaged in debating a well know critic of the funeral profession. The meeting was to take place in a large city on the West coast, and I arrived well prepared for the confrontation and frankly was looking forward in a big way at the opportunity to act upon my professional beliefs and basically “blast” away at this anti-funeral person. Right before the session was to begin this funeral critic leaned over to me and asked me this question: “Do you know what the biggest problem is in funeral service today?” “No” I answered (already provoked.) “I will tell you, funeral directors stop believing in what they are doing and when that happens it opens up the door for people like me.”

During the years of my career I have been blessed to work with and for funeral directors who truly believed in the mission of funeral service and made no bones about sharing their beliefs and convictions, and more importantly upon their own death’s they had these beliefs and convictions exercised through the wise use of rites, rituals and ceremonies. They not only spoke about their convictions they acted on them. All these funeral directors when they died (sounds awfully simple does it not?) HAD A FUNERAL! They acted on their convictions.

Can it be that certain funeral directors choose not to have a funeral for themselves because they are burned out, frustrated and really in their heart of hearts disliked the funeral profession in their lifetime? Could this no funeral decision on the part of some funeral directors really be a protest as if to say “See I finally get to express my true honest feelings about funerals having been stuck in this career for X amount of years – and I hated it – hated every minute of it!” This is a harsh rough thought but could this be a possibility?

Common sense really reduces the issue we are exploring to some simple observations. Funeral directors who choose to have no funeral for themselves when they die is like a dentist who has terrible teeth and refuses treatment, or a physician who refuses to get a physical, or a teacher who hates teaching, or a clergyperson who hates doing worship services. Something unhealthy, disturbing and damaging is present when professional people turn on their own careers, stay in the career, and display their true feelings at the end of their life and career in such a visible and blatant manner.

So what about that big glaring issue of freedom of choice? Certainly in the end freedom of choice must and will prevail, but in the instance of funeral directors rejecting the value of their own profession, well this attitude carries a heavy cost.

I truly believe that when a funeral director rejects the values and benefits of the funeral for themselves they have that right, but I also as a longtime member of the funeral profession know that I also have the individual right and obligation to stand up and challenge the correctness of exercising that type of freedom of choice. Why do I have that right? Easy…I love the funeral profession. When a funeral director upon his or her own death rejects the merits of the very ceremony he or she promised to dedicate themselves to when they took the Oath upon graduating from Mortuary College they succeed in this type of funeral rejection to mock, yes mock, the very career which furnished their income, furnished their reputations, and basically furnished a major part of their lives. However the worse offense when the funeral director has no funeral when they die is this: by making the no funeral decision they unwittingly make professional life much more difficult for the rest of us who are still laboring in the vineyard of funeral service and who have the spark and mission devoted to an authentic love of the funeral profession. A dead funeral director who has no funeral is truly an oxymoron.

My entire career I have seen nothing that the public likes more than a professional person with firm beliefs, firm convictions, and the ability to implement those beliefs and convictions in their daily actions. Conversely all my career I have seen nothing that the public dislikes and is more cynical of and suspicious of than a “professional” person with no beliefs, who bends with the wind, has no convictions, and publicly “talks the talk” but privately does not believe what they themselves have said.

Funeral directors should have public funeral ceremonies when they die – there I said it. The content and scope of the ceremony can take on any form meaningful to the survivors, both family and community, however the funeral needs to be given a chance to breathe, is needs to be visible, it needs to be inclusive not exclusive.

Winston Churchill summed up a profession this way:

“A profession is where a group has taken its stock and trade of all their activities to the direction of helping the human need to solve problems.

The solution to these problems comes from the mentor, apprentice experience, from the careful, scholarly, objective, truthful and passionate systems of ethics and philosophy which says

‘What we do is good!’

Is it possible when a deceased funeral director chooses to have no funeral the message to the world is “What we do is NOT good,” or “What we do is good for the rest of you, but not for me or my family?”

Think for a moment about a career in this great and wonderful profession. We all should have the same sense of identity because most in funeral service have had a life-long identity and involvements in many of the most traumatic and dramatic events of the entire community. Funeral service has had a well recognizable, well annunciated set of values as to how we conduct our professional affairs, and one of the recognizable and annunciated values is this: FUNERALS ARE GOOD – for funeral directors too!. Examine for a moment the time and energy that it took all of us in funeral service to learn the language, the arts and sciences of mortuary activities, look at the system of licensure, certification and discipline which we must adhere. Take a long look at the future of funeral service and the values and benefits which you and I are required to pass on to the future funeral professions and what is the central core value of funeral service that we are all morally responsible to communicate far and wide? FUNERALS ARE GOOD!

For the young funeral director and the veteran funeral director, for the clergy, the community, and anybody who will listen to the gentle persistent communication and action of all funeral professionals concerning an authentic belief, conviction, and dedication to our beloved profession centers ultimately on this one core value: FUNERALS ARE GOOD – FOR EVERYBODY.

Times have changed. Nothing is the same, absolutely nothing. There was a time in funeral service when the world was pretty set, pretty solid, and pretty secure and pretty simple. No more. Times have changed and the changes in funeral service have, as with all change, been both a blessing and a curse.

One of the curses of operating any type of enterprise today is the glaring, ever present potential of litigation, and frankly anybody, absolutely anybody who doubts this, denies thing, ignores this or even argues with this is living in another time and place, they are kicking dinosaurs so to speak.

Here are some examples of kicking dinosaurs in the funeral service profession. Let’s see: “I know what my families want.” “My families love me.” “That stuff only happens in the big cities, not here.” “Why would anybody want to sue me?”

Yes to be sure you probably know exactly and precisely what the families want, and yes to be sure every family you have ever served probably worships you, and yes there is a big difference at times between big city funeral service and funeral service in say Tiny Rock, Iowa. But concerning the question why would anybody want to sue me, that answer is easy and quick – MONEY.

No one in any enterprise is beyond being sued. No one, let that one fact be understood, and while most every attorney I have ever worked with are fair reasonable human beings, there are some that are not, and they might well be working in your town or they are brought to your town from outside. While most every family I have ever worked with are fair reasonable human beings, there are some who were not reasonable and fair in any stretch of the imagination, and so we hearken the old English law precept of “caveat venitor” which means “let the seller beware.” In funeral service we, not the consumer need to beware. It is not just let the buyer beware these days its let everybody concerned beware.

Let us make no mistake, the risk of doing a funeral, any aspect of a funeral has increased in tandem with the risks of just being in any type of business enterprise. Sad but true.

So let’s dive into the specific issue of the wisdom, and that is the word, the wisdom, of using embalming report forms.

Friends just look at Google and type in the words “negligent embalming cases” and if any doubting Thomas’s are out there in the funeral word probably a quick conversion in affirming the wisdom of using embalming report forms will happen.

The arguments against using embalming report forms in the year 2010 really remind me of the arguments that many funeral directors made thirty years ago about staying in the ambulance service. In the end getting out of the ambulance service was absolutely the right thing to do, look at who, if any, is still in the ambulance business? Today starting to use embalming report forms is absolutely the right thing to do.

Thirty years ago the final question was this concerning ambulance service “Do I risk losing the entire funeral home over a lousy $25.00 ambulance call, for which I will never get paid?” The answer was a resounding NO, and thousands upon thousands of funeral directors dumped the ambulance service.

Today the question ought to be on every funeral directors lip “Do I risk losing the entire funeral home by NOT using a lousy 3 cent embalming report form?” The answer ought to be a resounding NO. I personally believe the State Board of Funeral Directors and Embalmers across this country should make it a state requirement to obtain a establishment license that the embalming report form is mandatory and used on each and every case, whether embalming takes place or not.

Embalming report forms are easy to fill out. They offer a paper trail, and the only people that I have encountered after 42 years in funeral service who don’t want a paper trail are the people who don’t want their professional activities documented. Now there is an interesting, haunting and sobering thought.

The argument that we are already piled up with paperwork just does not work in 2010. Paper work is just part of business, and as far as I can see it is never going to end (at least in my lifetime). I get humored when I run into funeral directors who still resent the requirements of the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule. That is a sad state of affairs. The FTC requirements which included mandatory paperwork became the law of the land on April 30, 1984. That is today over a quarter of a century ago and still we have seminars on the subject, and still we have colleagues who detest the Rule.

If a funeral director is biased against the paperwork of the Federal government, or the State government, or the local government or even the internal management paperwork of the funeral home, I believe this is a mistake in management with a capital “M”.

There was a time in the 1880’s when undertakers actually pitched a fit over being required to completed death certificates, but who survived in funeral service who did not comply with that new change?

I have been involved in many law suits serving as an expert witness which have been brought against funeral homes concerning the contemporary litigation subject of negligent embalming. Here is the truth – the only funeral homes that had a chance in Hades of winning were exclusively the funeral homes that could produce a completed and well documented embalming report form. This is true in every instance that I have been involved with.

The opposite however is also true. The funeral home who had nothing in writing, no report, or worse a poorly completed report ended up being at the mercy of the opposing attorney and the courts have a pretty consistent history of siding with grieving, bereaved, weeping, and mourning families – whether in reality they are that tore up or not.

To be sure funeral home management is more complicated today than ever before in our history. We have to cope and survive a myriad of agencies and outsider’s looking in at us. Let’s see, we cope with the State Board of Funeral Directors, the Federal Trade Commission, Occupational Safety and Health Administration, Americans With Disabilities Act, the IRS, the State Dept. of Revenue, the Department of Transportation, Wage and Hour, Truth in Advertising, well the list goes on and on – so really in this already bureaucratic environment of daily business a simple embalming report form which takes an embalmer about 3 minutes to complete pales in comparison with what is today a normal amount of paper work in every funeral home in the United States.

I remember very well one funeral director (a buddy of mine) who was very full of himself and announced at a state board meeting that embalming report forms were nonsense, he didn’t believe in them, he refused to use them, he hated them, and in his expert opinion only neurotic funeral directors would fall for such silliness. He knew his families, no one would ever dare to sue him, people loved him, he never made a mistake, and his firm handled was way, way beyond the minor pesky issue of legal litigation.

He strutted out of the meeting, mighty pleased and impressed with himself. He presented himself that day as the voice of god, and because he was a buddy of mine, I felt embarrassed for him.

However in a couple of years I had been engaged as an expert witness for this very funeral director, because unbelievably one of “his” personal friends, one of “his” fan club members was suing him for negligent embalming. Doesn’t matter if the body looked wonderful or not, he was getting sued.

His behavior in the courtroom was considerably different than his behavior at the state board meeting. He was just stunned. This was Iowa he told me nobody ever sued anybody in Iowa (of course that was not true). People were nice in Iowa, they were mostly farmers, mostly church going people, mostly hardworking people, by and large wonderful people, and they were as he reminded me “his” people.

That was all mostly true about Iowa people, but the people suing him were not from Iowa, they were not particularly nice, they were not farmers, they were not church going people, they were not hardworking, they were not wonderful people and they certainly were not “his” people, they didn’t like this funeral director at all, they were suing him, and their antagonism towards him was abundantly evident at the hearing and trial.

When his attorney called to ask me to help out the first question I had was this, “Can you send me the embalming report form as soon as possible?” The attorney responded, “He doesn’t have one.” Gee whiz, surprises of surprises, this funeral director who detested embalming report forms didn’t have one – well at least I could compliment him on his consistency. He didn’t like forms, and he, by god, didn’t use any, so there!

I have found two words in the English language that has caused a bunch of nice people a bunch of avoidable problems and here are the two haunting words “TOO LATE.” The words “too late” has created more avoidable problems that anything else I can think of in my career and life, and certainly this buddy of mine was “too late” concerning the easy issue of filling out simple embalming report forms.

In the end this funeral director arrived at a cash settlement with this family and the settlement was not chicken feed, it hurt his pocket book as well as hurting his reputation with “his” people. The gossips had a field day.

Interestingly this funeral director we are discussing starting using embalming report forms. He discovered that is was wise, sensible and mature to do so. The reports just helped him sleep better at night.

I personally would rather use an embalming report form to help me sleep than worry about the risky possibilities in not using them. Embalming reports are simple, easy to fill out and easily had and they are worth ten valium. Times have changed, and I always remember a wise person once told me that the opposite of courage is not coward-ness, it is conformity, and it is staying locked to protecting how things were always done, instead of honestly looking at things as they are and how they are changing.

Introduction:

One of the most fortunate learning experiences I have had in my entire life was the time I was a student of the Rev. Dr. Edgar N. Jackson. He was on the faculty of the New England Institute and I took my education and training to become a funeral director at that old venerable institution.

Since I graduated I have depended on Dr. Jackson’s thinking, concepts, materials and approach to dealing with and understanding human loss on countless occasions. I have found that his thinking seems to never get stale or obsolete. On the contrary his wisdom is a powerful today in my career as it was thirty-five years ago when I sat in his classes trying to write down every word that came out of his mouth.

He was without question one of the best friends the funeral profession ever has had.

Today, however, all of Dr. Jackson’s books are out of print. I have concluded that that is a shame for the young funeral professionals in this country who might not have had the opportunity to ponder Dr. Jackson’s concepts. To that end I have composed this series of article on the Wisdom of Edgar N. Jackson

ARTICLE ONE – Dr. Jackson’s Approach

Primary to Dr. Jackson’s approach to the psychology of grieving was his ever present attention to healthy mourning practices.

Dr. Jackson promoted the idea that even though death is universal, it is an event for which no one can be fully prepared to deal with when it occurs. And the experience of death varies, depending first upon the type of death involved – violent, unexpected, expected, etc., and secondly upon the person who is experiencing the loss. Jackson feels that the death experience expurgates the bereaved person’s true psychological makeup, this evidenced by the variety of responses to death, i.e. Normal grief, masked grief, delayed grief, exaggerated grief, abbreviated grief, complicated grief, no grief.

Yet there are certain common reactions to death also. Dr. Jackson related that sudden and violent deaths often cause those affected to focus upon the physical signs and symptoms of the distressing happening. Fainting, loss of strength and nausea are typical reactions to such a loss. These responses are normal Dr. Jackson is quick to point out – typical reactions to the drastic changes in the life situations of those most deeply affected by the death.

In addition to the common physical reactions are several typical emotional reactions to the death of a significant other. Included are the loss of orderly thought processes, feelings of fear and anxiety about the future, self-pity, anger, resentment and vengefulness. Keeping in mind that these physical and emotional reactions must be honestly faced and experienced is integral in the healthy mourning process. A key belief of Dr. Jackson’s was that the reality of death must not be denied or taken away, since emotional energy spent on denial could be used productively on acceptance stances.

It must be stated that the death that is anticipated often results in similar feelings as the unanticipated death. The anticipation falls away upon the death, giving way to the understanding that it is a time of substantial readjustment, with strong emotions bound to arise.

But whether the death was expected or unexpected Dr. Jackson says our reactions are grounded heavily in our attachment to the deceased. Dr. Jackson called the death of a loved one “emotional amputation,” comparing it to the amputation of a limb of the body (phantom limb syndrome). Dr. Jackson refers to these bereaved individuals as “vulnerable victims.”

Mourning as a healthy process Dr. Jackson says is an experience of personal value, the knowledge gained in reinvesting in one’s life.

Two factors emerge in Dr. Jackson’s thinking as the great effectors of one’s responses to death. First is the degree of relationship to the deceased, second is the type of loss. To a lesser degree are the factors of prior experience, emotional stability, strength and general personality makeup.

The topic of anticipated vs. unanticipated loss surfaces again. Dr. Jackson writes: “If you have time to prepare for the loss – to brace yourself against it, you can cope more readily than if you are surprised and caught off balance by the event.” Sudden loss gives no time to muster defenses, and the full brunt of the loss is felt.

The work of Marianne Simmel is helpful to understand this concept of Dr. Jackson’s. Simmel’s study is of the relationship between the loss of a body part and the loss of a loved one to death. “Where she found phantom limb experiences in a significant numbers was among persons who had lived lone enough to integrate the body part into their total life function, and where the loss of it was sudden and unexpected.”

This analogy reveals that true to Dr. Jackson’s beliefs, the extent of attachment and the type of loss greatly affects one’s response to the death of a significant other. Going one step further, Simmel found that those who readily accepted the loss of a limb were better able to adjust than those who denied the reality of the situation.

ARTICLE TWO: DR. JACKSON’S “JUST” AND “UNJUST” DEATH CONCEPT

Some death is logical, as in old age, while other death is illogical, as in one whose life is taken by circumstances which are untimely, unexpected, and unnatural.

Dr. Jackson maintains that some death is real. It is seen firsthand and experienced closely in each of its phases, while other death is unreal. An example of real death may be the death of a parent in a nursing center, where the family experiences the slow withering of life. An example of unreal death may be that of a soldier who dies in a far off land, this death is far removed from the context of the family’s everyday experience. Not only is it difficult to relate to, but it is difficult to accept as really having happened. Dr. Jackson wrote: “Loss that is unreal may be infected by doubt and uncertainty. This infected wound tends to heal more slowly and may never heal completely.”

According to Dr. Jackson regardless of whether the death is expected or unexpected, real or unreal, logical or illogical, or just or unjust, one truth is clear – physical and emotional response is inevitable. The extent to which these reactions manifest themselves is affected by the type of death, though. Whether one is productive in accepting the death or unproductive by denying the reality of the death this choice alone will determine the course of the mourning. As Dr. Jackson put it, “You capacity to have deep feelings for another person is also the source of your capacity for acute pain at the time of loss.”

Dr. Jackson proposes the three items are of primary importance in a person’s response to death:

1. Face the reality of the situation. Jackson was firm in his thinking that “specialists in the management of grief say that it is essential to break through the denials and to face the painful reality before we can begin the healthful work of mourning.”
2. Accept the emotional and physical feelings aroused. There is nothing brave about denying your feelings. According to Dr. Jackson, “To take heavy sedation to blot out feelings is usually unsound, for it tends to postpone rather than remove our feelings.” Jackson believed that the initial confrontation with the dead body is the time to really being the healthy mourning process.
3. Realize that others have experienced similar loss and can help you get through yours. Ventilation of feelings, Dr. Jackson believed, is best facilitated when there is a community of persons with whom you can talk.

ARTICLE THREE: CULTURE AND DEATH

“How skillful we are in coping with death is determined at least in part by the attitudes toward death in our culture.” According to Dr. Jackson this fact is not good news for the mourner. Dr. Jackson continues, “Being a part of our culture, and being so close to it, we are adapted to the values of the culture.” Part of such adaptation Dr. Jackson felt has been in our treatment of death in our society, and such adaptation involves death denial attitudes. Contributing to this stance is the removal of death and the dead from our everyday experience. In an age of advanced medical technology, death is seen as almost an anomaly – something rare. Death has been taken from the home and placed in hospital and nursing homes. Even Hospice today resembles more of an institution than a home. “We have moved from the emotionally involved to the technically skilled,” Dr. Jackson said.

This cultural mood, Dr. Jackson felt, is working directly against a healthy concept of death in our society. The disintegration of the stable family and community unites is also undermining the well-being of the individual relative to the situation of death. Once a source of support and understanding the family, Dr. Jackson felt, has changed in a way that is of no benefit to the bereaved. Disruption of the family unit upon the death of a member makes such a death very threatening. Grief expressions tend to be suppressed in such an environment. Dr. Jackson strongly felt that new methods of expression and support must replace the analogs lost through societal change.

Dr. Jackson said, “How other say you should feel and act is secondary to how you really feel and want to act.” Dr. Jackson stressed that ones feelings cannot be intellectualized away. They are unique and must be realistically faced, in a person way, for healthy mourning to progress. Societal restrictions have no part in such circumstances.

By “acting out,” Dr. Jackson is referring to rites, rituals and ceremonies, and their inherent ability to facilitate normal grief and mourning. These traditional activities, Dr. Jackson believed, are the culmination of history’s solution to solace in a stressful time. These acting out activities enable participants to act out feelings and emotions that are too deep and complicated the put into words and hence express. Funerals, Dr. Jackson believed provide the perfect medium for such acting out. The structure of the funeral, a stabilizing factor in bringing order to chaos is indispensable.

“Acting in,” a term coined by Dr. Lawrence Abt, is the holding inside of ones feelings. This is the opposite, true to its verbiage, of acting out. These feelings, as Dr. Jackson was always quick to instruct, do not cease to exist because their expression is denied. Rather they remain inside, unresolved, and will manifest themselves in abnormal and complicated grief reactions at some later time. Thus it is wise to deal with the grief situation as it arises, for it is at this time that the necessary resources are readily available for use by the bereaved. The funeral is an excellent resource, according to Dr. Jackson.

“All the time, when life is shaken by the overpowering of man’s physical immortality, belief in his spiritual immortality can be especially helpful in sustaining life.” Dr. Jackson believed strongly that there are realities beyond our senses, and that we should accept this spirituality as a source of strength in a troubled time. Stabilization can be realized upon acceptance of the notion that there is more to each person than simply biology.

ARTICLE FOUR – THREATS AND RESOURCES

Death causes many crises. Of significant importance is the obvious loss of the individual person who was a major part of the life of the bereaved. New role relationships arise – the physicians, funeral director, clergy and sometimes police, as well as newly defined roles within the family in adjusting to the loss. Dr. Jackson believed that these stresses can be alleviated to a great extent by community support in the death environment. The family, he felt, no matter how dysfunctional is central to this supportive frame work. In addition there are close friends and casual acquaintances. It would be unwise through isolation behaviors, to shut oneself off from such support.

Using the internal (family) and external (funeral) resources aids the bereaved in resolving the loss. “If you focus on the tragic event, it will become even more tragic in its effect on your life.” Dr. Jackson wrote. “If you focus on your ability to cope with it, it can be a growing experience that will strengthen your life.”

He hinges of history, as Winston Churchill pointed out, swings on the events that are brief in time but great in effect. The wise management of such events according to Dr. Jackson leads to both person growth within and a growth in one’s ability to help others who are experiencing similar difficulties. Dr. Jackson observed, “Instead of asking, ‘Why must I endure so much?’ you might ask, ‘How can I find life’s true meaning in these painful events?’”

Dr. Jackson continues his observation by pointing out that it is natural to respond to the death of a loved one by blaming others. One may blame himself with such feelings leading to guilt. Intellectualizing of true feelings is a process of numbing the reality of the loss. According to Dr. Jackson, “Pastors spiritualize, physicians sedate, and funeral directors generalize.” All of these behaviors are examples of self-deception in the death environment and all will ultimately prove to be unhealthy. Deception arises with the feeling of hopelessness in a situation, when the distress of the moment is exaggerated. “There is no therapy in creating a world of falsehoods or delusion” said Dr. Jackson. One must realistically assess emotions and feelings and determine what resources are necessary and available to deal with the grief. This, Dr. Jackson believed firmly, was not facilitated by self-deceitful behavior.

Closely associated with self-deception is the emotion of anger. Grief often unleashes violent angry emotions. Again such a response to loss is natural – normal, considering the stress involved in the situation. Repressed anger, like other denied emotions, will not cease to exist because they are held in check. Their expression is only delayed.

Such anger is usually directed at the deceased, society, church, or the self. Dr. Jackson outlined four resources to effectively manage anger:

1. Admission of the anger
2. Analyze the anger
3. Acting out the anger with expression
4. Abandon the anger

The key is that destructive tendencies can be controlled and turned to a constructive purpose. This wise management not only makes valuable the grief experience for the bereaved, but it enables the bereaved to reinvest their new knowledge in the community with a helpful stance towards helping other people.

ARTICLE FIVE – FUNERALS

Dr. Jackson believed and maintained that a specific order must be maintained at the time of death. He mapped this order in the following manner:

1. The event of the death
2. Notification of family and community
3. Gathering of wits and confrontation with the reality of death
4. Community support mobilization
5. Religious/faith support
6. Disposition of the body

JACKSON’S THOUGHT ON THE VALUE OF THE FUNERAL

“When we come to the end of life, proper recognition of the life of the person who has died seems appropriate. But common sense tells us that it does the dead person no good. But every group in every culture has found it necessary to perform certain rituals at the time of the death of one of its members. Why? For one simple reason: They do it for themselves. They need to verify the dignity and importance of their living and to help guarantee the practices that will protect them from indignity in death when they are helpless and dependant.”

Dr. Jackson believed that the dignity of man in life is comparable to the dignity of man in death. The funeral he felt consists of a series of activities which assist the bereaved in breaking the ties with the deceased in order to modify the relationship. This task of letting go of the past and its object of affection is of major importance. Dr. Jackson felt that viewing the body in death is of major importance on the road to healthy mourning.

“While it is good to remember fine things about a person, it is dangerous to try to keep him alive after he has died,” Dr. Jackson warns. The changes brought about by the death can be more readily accepted if there is a true understanding that the object of grief is in fact dead. This is to face reality and it is readily accomplished through funeral activities.

ARTICLE SIX – DR. JACKSON AND GRIEF

Dr. Jackson’s pattern of grief consists of seven phases, they are:

1. Shock – at the news of the loss
2. Catharsis – upon realizing the reality of the situation
3. Depression – a normal reaction to loss
4. Guilt – either evident or masked blame directed inwards
5. Pre-occupation – with the deceased
6. Anger – blame directed outwards
7. Absolute reality – the acceptance of the death

Dr. Jackson was clear that there is no order to the above mentioned responses. Grief, he felt, like any emotion, is unique to the individual experiencing it.

Dr. Jackson believed that if one has met life’s problems with strength and assurance, it is likely that they will meet death in a similar manner, but if their life experience has been one of distress at the onset of problems, a similar response will there be to death.

Finally Dr. Jackson addresses three basic issues in dealing with grief, they are:

1. Deprivation
2. Fear
3. Insecurity

We are deprived of our loved one, and that leads to fear, and this is a fear among other things of the unrevealed future without that special person, and lastly is insecurity, where order and become disorder and there is no power to stop it.

Dr. Jackson believed that there was little that anyone could do to remove deprivation of our loved one, but to banish fear and insecurity Dr. Jackson believed that could be accomplished by reasoning over and over that there was a purpose to the death, even if that purpose is not readily evident. Dr. Jackson also admonished that before these feeling arise there must be that realization and reality of what has truly happened. Grief, according to Dr. Jackson is eased when one’s emotion can be freely expressed.

Finally Dr. Jackson condemns six “do not” behaviors in dealing with grief, they are:

1. Do not drug yourself – you are only postponing the inevitable.
2. Do not feel sorry for yourself – self pity is ultimately futile.
3. Do not run away – the best place to face the readjustment is where the readjustment must finally be made.
4. Do not withdraw yourself – you are cutting yourself off from helpful resources
5. Do not cross bridges until you come to them – do not allow yourself to be overwhelmed about the uncertainty of the future.
6. Above all, do not underestimate yourself – each new experience can call forth new abilities and resources from within.

Compare today with 1900.

In 1900 children were expected not to survive birth, and even the mother’s life was suspect of being destroyed in the process.

Today however children are not supposed to die, and most do not – Thank God – but still hundreds of children die everyday.

The Problems:

1. It reverses the “natural” order to things. Children are supposed to survive their parents
2. The guilt issue looms high on the horizon because children are so helpless and to be cut down by death so young is heartbreaking.
3. All the hopes and dreams of the parents for the child evaporate.

What I say?

1. Tell them honestly how you feel. If you feel a loss of words tell them.
2. Be humble and gentle.
3. Remember nothing said in word form will change or alleviate the situation.
4. The truth is life will never be the same again.
5. Do not try to be profound, even Billy Graham said he was at a loss for words when he was confronted with a child’s death.

What about the other children?

1. It is true that children are stronger than adults give them credit for.
2. Tell the children the truth.
3. Truth is your ally.
4. Children have built in lie detectors and they can sense and feel when things are being kept from them. They want to be included.

Things to be sensitive to in dealing with children:

1. A child’s attention span is not as long as an adult’s.
2. Remember to treat the child as normally as possible.
3. Do not allow the child’s life routine to be interrupted as to make them feel insecure. Get up at the same time, eat at the same time etc.
4. Be sensitive that a child’s reaction to death is on a different level of complication as is an adult’s – example: a child might actually be relieved that a sibling has died so that they will not have to share a bedroom.

Value of Rite, Rituals and Ceremonies:

1. When words fail people use rituals.
2. Rituals are actually the language of most children – we call is Play.
3. Encourage the family to hold the dead child, comb the hair, help dress the child – if they wish.
4. Encourage the siblings to draw pictures and help describe their feelings.

NO ONE IS PERFECT;

Remember going through the process of grief is more important than going through is perfectly. Go easy on everybody for everybody is basically in the same boat. Let mistakes go and do not make a big deal about what this person said or did.

Should children go to funerals?

Yes, if they want to. No if they protest.

Remember children love to be involved with family happenings whether they understand all the nuances of the activities or not. A child is not expected to understand all the complexities of marriage in order to march down the aisle as a ring bearer or a flower girl at a wedding.

Explaining death to children:

Well this is a big ticket item because most every adult on the face of the earth does not totally understand death themselves. However here are some suggestions:

1. Answer only the questions the child asks and keep it short and simple.
2. Yes or no answers are usually the best. “Do dead people get hungry?” “No.” Do dead people smell food?” “No.”
3. Go easy on explanations. Often times adult’s love to talk and talk and talk, and often times their children have tuned them out minutes ago and are not hearing anything the adult is babbling about.

Finally:

It is just as important for the parents to talk to their children about death as it is to talk to them about sex. Life and death – they simply go hand in hand.